Day 29

+ Okay so I still used the computer. Haha I just had to!!!! New year here I come! :D I used my glasses and i didn't have a headache.

+ The reason why I have endless headaches and tummy aches is... I'm stressed!!!! I am a week away from leaving for manila and I have to clean and pack up so many things! 3/4 of my luggage is my mac and crafts! 1/4 are my clothes!!!! Aahhhhh! Artist thing i guess haha.

+ Fixed my bag full of clothes :) My next bag. Craft bag. BIG and HEavy. Ayyiii.

+ Needs new revelations. :)

+ Decided to grow up indeed... realized that there's a kid inside every person's heart that could never be forgotten or left behind :)

Day 28

+ Had so much fun today! :D Went to a very close friend's house and boy did i enjoy the snacks, dinner, and tekken! whoot! I love playstation!!! ahhh... Haven't played it for years now. :) It's good to be a kid for a night again :) Even if my wrist hurst SO BAD now. Atleast my kiddish spirit has been revived :)

+ I thank God for a wonderful evening. Wouldn't trade it for anything.

+ I'm starting to make good habits today! weee! :D

+ Just a few more days before the 7th and I am having weird tummy thingies achies. I think I'm stressed. xD

+ Oh yeah no computer for the whole day tomorrow! it's new years and I have an awful headache and our suspicion is, "too much computer" haha. so no computer for a day :)

Day 27

+ I will have my macbook pro on January eleven hopefully. :) God indeed kept his promise that When he closes a door, he opens a gate :)

+ I have realized a lot of things. SO many things that I actually enjoy facing today. :) Grow up grow up. It's hard but indeed it is exciting as well :) I feel like a different person everyday.

+ I have learned to let go of my emotions, I have learned that indeed love is a choice not a feeling. But emotions are darn hard to control!

+ I might write a book soon.. :) I have many ideas, for ladies, for men, for fathers, for teens. haha anyways. Loving my life. :) God is turning my tears into gemstones. Gemstones are wisdom applied :)

Day 26

+ First Monday that I really really love. :) I felt energized, I felt different.

+ We went out as a family with a friend too. We went to the park and registered so i could vote! Woooah. I have no idea how to vote.

+ Made final arrangements for my macbook pro :)

+ My lil sis and nephew biked for an hour, while we, the adults, sat on the benches and waited for them. Felt so happy being there. I like seeing kids on bikes.. :) and sitting on park benches. <3

+ Thought a lot. My dad kept asking why I was so quiet lately. Now i know... It's my season of thinking, my season of growing up slowly from the inside.

+ We then had coffee in Kangaroo. They have the best nachos!!! I love my mom for treating me one. :D and my friends for treating me coffee with pink sprinklers! Yum Yum! I actually have a photo. hahah.

Tadah! See mah Nachos at thee back?! YUMM!

Pink sprinklers! Aahhhhh... soo cute :D I love this drink <3

Day 25

+ Had a good time in church :) Felt God's presence during worship. He was either on my right side or His hands were curled on my shoulders. :) SO many things I want to ask and tell him. So many learnings passing through my head. Wisdom. So much wisdom.

+ Got to hang out with my anime friends. Realized that I indeed am changing. Several people said that I look more mature now, I look like a lady, not a girl no more.

+ But one person did say I look OLD. Now that was disturbing.

Day 24

+ Got the biggest gift from God. Wisdom and Understanding.

+ Not everything is based on feelings or emotions. It is also based on choice and declaration and faith. I choose to have a happy Christmas. I choose to receive the gift God has given me even if I cannot feel it.

+ I am pretty, I am different, I am Shiriel :)

+ I choose to grow up. It's time to be a woman. It's time to take care of others. :)

Day 23

+ It's Christmas. :) an hour past midnight to be exact. I just received my Gift from God... I received wisdom and understanding. :)

+ Sharing so much of what is going on with myself actually shuts off my listening ear. I should really balance it. It's time to bottle up my emotions and release them in arts, and time to turn on my listening ear again once more. :)

+ He made me realize that someday someone would understand me. I just have to wait and first focus on Him.

+ It's time to get back on track. depression, perfectionism or whatever. I got to stand up once more. Life isn't about me. Life is about God and others. :) Life must go on. I fall down today, today I should stand up too. :)

+ There's just magic in Christmas that I couldn't explain. Little miracles then releases the heart and gives a new hope. Next year, my Christmas would be extra ordinary. I am sure of it. :) I've decided to save up ^^.

Day 22

+ This Holiday is just not my thing... Every move I make is just wrong. How I wish I could mask this all. Be happy despite all the happenings. I am so numb. I want to return my mask, this is enough.

+ Depression, perfectionism. What more do I need to just understand how to live?

+ I am about to get my macbook pro this January. My parents are paying for it but then I am not that excited anymore. I am thankful with a heavy heart. I don't know. Can someone please examine my heart.

+ This Christmas is the worst that I have ever had. Mostly tears and perfection, guilt and smiles, joy up joy down. I want to bottle up again. Expressing my emotions into words aren't that good for me. No one will ever understand. No one.

+ Well its Christmas Eve! and my mind is tired and blank.

Day 21

+ Today we went to Eden as a family. it's a nature park. I thought I was going to enjoy my time with my family. But i was wrong. I was so bored. I don't even think it's the place, it's just me. My listening span, my patience, gets thinner and thinner. I have no idea what is up with me. I get bored so fast that i just want to disappear. What in the world is up with me. Is this an artist's way of being bored? Believe me nobody wants to be in my place.

+ Bored. How i wish its the typical "I'm bored let's go shop or eat" The thing is everything that I could do is so boring for me. To eat, to play, to walk, to shop, to make crafts. There is nothing I want to do. I feel numb.

+ What is Christmas going to bring me. Gifts?... would it make me happy? Why am I so depressed. Oh please let me leave this empty hole I am in.

Day 20

+ Got to sleep over and talk to two of my mentors! :D twas nice :) Realized that I have changed a lot...

+ My listening span shortened :( I don't really know how to adjust this. How to put it back. I think this is because of Kona again... I don't think I would recover fast... I thought I was okay. I wasn't. I'm being too pessimistic.. I'm depressed still. I thought I was okay... I wasn't.

It's so hard especially when there is no one to be with. When everyone else is having problems. Sometimes I just want to disappear. To go somewhere far. Somewhere where I could talk to God. If only i could call God on the phone right now and just hear His voice... I know I'd be okay once again.

I can see slowly God moving through my life and that's what's helping me fight on. I want to be optimistic but I can't. It's too hard. I need someone who could listen to me... But then... Right now no one could. What a lonely Christmas. I just don't know anymore. I just don't.

Day 19

+ Laundry day! and I LOVE the breeze this morning. it's so cool. :) Makes me want to play Christmas music all day long <3

+ Will visit Ywam today! to meet my 3 mentors :) I do hope my dad allows me to stay for one night there.

+ Is eager to make more ARTS! must must must!

+ Not that excited to manila. nyahahaha.. but excited on what God would do. :) Hmm. All I need indeed is God :)

Day 18

+ We had our Christmas Musical Play today! " A baby changes everything " I am so glad God helped me with my part. :) I got to sing it well! Even if it was just 10 secs i know my part was important as well! Give it thy best even if it's just a small part! Choir is TEAM WORK! wahoooo!

+ I went out to eat with my friends. I got to pay for my own dinner! (with my parent's money :p ) I am so happy! And i got to eat blueberry cheesecake donut!!!!! from Krispy Kremes! lalalala~

+ I got to think a lot about Christmas... The atmosphere of Christmas in my place is just slowly dying down... I don't like it. :( The spirit of Christmas is as good as gone... I miss having Christmas shopping, Christmas baking, Christmas Gatherings.... Next year, I won't allow this to happen again!

+ I want to bring my family to a place where Christmas is well handled. I want to bring them to Europe someday. :) And I will, if God lets it :)

Day 17

+ Bought new pair of shoes! :D I love it!

+ Speaking of that... I'm slowly getting tired of anime, and things I love before... I'm starting to love clothes and shoes and girly stuff. I wonder why.

+ I feel like I want to be model rather than a cosplayer. It's a tad bit weird. Weird emotional roller coasters.

Day 16

+ Felt better with my emotional sickness :3

+ Broke down today about my visa denial. Cried so hard. I don't know why. It just happened that I saw a coconut tree and it was a breezy day. Then I remembered Hawaii. I was supposed to be there. I cried hard while I was waiting for my parents in the sidewalk! I had to control my tears! XD When i got home I brawled in tears.

+ After crying I felt a huge relief. :) I got to think. :)

+ My friend said something about " Let go of your own desires. " That made me think a lot. Maybe going to Hawaii was MY plan... not God's :)

+ I still can't understand why He blessed it at first... but then as I grow up spiritually, I know I would :)

+ Got a very BIG support from one of the most big hearted people I've known. :) Now I am a few steps to an Macbook pro for my studies!!! :D

+ It's amazing... I didn't get the second hand macbook pro for 40k. Then God is opening a door for me again, a new macbook pro. :) Hopefully I get to sell my imac so i could buy this before i go to manila :). God's grace is amazing. From a second hand macbook pro, to a brand new one.. :) I wonder what would really happen in the end. Only God knows. :)

+ God is moving in my depression about the macbook... I wonder what greatness He would show when He give a 180 degrees turn with my visa denial. Can't wait!! :D

+ God indeed is in control!!!!! :D

PS

Wow.. All these happened in one day. hahaha just when I realized that MY plans aren't always God's plans. :)

Day 15

+ I am in an emotional journey now! Learning a lot from friendships to weird roller coaster emotions.

+ I will start the logo making today! <3

+At first I wasn't in the mood, but i just made my own mood! I just got to start on it! How did i do it? I said to myself, "This is not work! This is fun for me! It'll be cool to draw digi arts again and improve! :D"

• When i think that what i love to do is work already, i get lazy and unconfident. But when I think that my work is something I love to do for fun, it gives me back my confidence :)

Day 14

+ Had a happy dream from God :) My friends were in it. Then when I woke up I love the weather! it was cool <3

+ Nostalgia..

+ Served my mom today! was happy about it ! <3

+ I'm missing hanging out with friends. Checking my heart twice today. :3

Day 13

+ One of my special friends left to go home today. He's so far away now~ I miss him. But hey he's happy with his family back home. :)

+ Fixed the whole house for my mom. :) it was hard! cleaned from 7am to 12nn non stop! I even forgot to eat! But i was happy cleaning. It was for my mom :)

+ The house looks better!!!! :D I love it too hahaha.

Day 12

+ Spend time with my friends. :) We watched the movie "Fame" in the best cinema I have been here in Davao, the red carpet. The movie was amazing. I learned a lot. :) It inspired me and I am happy with the people i was watching it with :D They're fun to be with. It was a great unwinding day <3

+ Had an argument with my parents again. But this time I opened my ears to their wisdom and learned a lot :) in this 35 journey, I want to be the best woman I could be for my parents. :)

+ Was happy that I didn't go to Kona yet, I wasn't ready mentally. I needed to learn independence and Submission first. :) and I will start in the worst place ever. Manila~

Day 11

+ Picking up the broken pieces of my dreams :)

+Received a digi work from the team I am so in love with :D I'm going to revise a logo and edit some banners. :) It's exciting! Especially that I am making it for the people I really really like :)

Day 10

+ I'm missing God.

+ In the process of breaking my worst habit : "Mood swings with no self control."

+ Slowly letting go of my heart. :) he's just not for me. I am bombarded with "What If's"

+ Learning a lot about my dreams and my heart.

+ Slowly accepting the fact that I am not perfect.

+ Wants to change for her mom.

+ Letting go of certain friends...

+ Fighting with the heart and the mind.

+ Feels alone...

Day 9

+ My dad's birthday!

+ I learned A lot about honoring parents.

+ I indeed am in a humbling stage. Couldn't accept the fact that I had a shortcoming and that's why i didn't get to Kona.

+ In a process in becoming a better daughter.

+ In a process of focusing.

Day 8

+ Made a birthday gift for my dad. :)

+Booked my flight :)

Day 7

+ Booking my flights for manila. :) Decided to stay in Cavite. Wow it's almost 2 hours away from my school.

+Studying in Manila is going to be a GREAT challenge.

+I will learn how to be independent.

+I will learn how to live with other people.

+I will learn how to prioritize my life outside my ywam circle.

+I will see my old friends whom are almost college graduates.

+I will meet new people.

+I need to learn how to be responsible of my things.

+It is an adventure that I cannot visualize. I will trust God. :)

Day 6

+ Didn't think much. Visited some special Ywam friends :) I miss them a lot. :)

Day 5

+ Searched for the teachers from First Academy of Computer Arts. Not so bad. I like the arts of one teacher :D

+ Talked to my dad. I will take the school in Makati.

+Deciding if i will take school of design in Korea or Germany.

+Believed that God closed the door in Kona for now :) God is in control.

+ I believe I am in a humbling and faith stretching stage

+ God wants to teach me how to be independent :)

Day 4

+ Thought a lot about the school in Makati.

Day 3 - PM

+ My I-20 form came back from the embassy. It was mailed. I could re apply again, but with greater risks. I am confused AGAIN.

Day 3

+ My father called the school in Makati again and Kona.

• We tried calling Kona asking if my credits in this 5 months course could be credited in my degree in UofN.
• People are telling me already that I should finish a degree in a secular school first which is 4 years. Some people told me that I should work already. So many voices, yet I would not let go of my dream.
• Someone told me that is this something I really only want? What about what I need? Tough to answer.
• Still not letting go of God's favor. I will continue and study whatever happens. I want to graduate in UofN. I want this more than anything. God willing I will graduate in 2011.
• I need to earn money.
• Parents are very supportive, willing to buy my airline tickets for Manila.
• My school leader here in the philippines agreed and would try and give me connections to 3D artists as well.
• First Academy of Computer Arts : 3D Arts - this is my course for the next 5 months

Insight :

After this first 5 months, I will take the School of Cartooning and Animation in Thailand and that would be credited for my school in UofN.

It's exciting, scary, and faith stretching :)

Day 2 - Dec 4 PM

+ Wow. I surrendered everything to God and here comes an open door for Him. Haha.

• My dad received an email from a random person. It's a poster from the First Academy of Computer Arts. My dad barely open mails that he's not familiar with. He always thinks its a spam. But somehow, he got to open this one. He was actually waiting for an email from a friend and it didn't came through but rather this email about the school. So my dad took time to read it and believe me, I was suprised to get a call from him telling me about a school in Makati (Philippines) that focuses in 3d animation. Wow. God answers fast.
• Despite this open door, I still don't know if this is a test from God or a blessing. So I will wait on Him. I have until dec 19 to think about this. I need to pray... HARD.
• My Vibe for digital arts are getting stronger :)

Insights :

Maybe. Just maybe. If this is from God I can study in this school at the same time have enough time to create strong ties. The schedule of the school ain't that hectic but I know I would be busy for I want to give it my best. During this 5 months training, from January til May, I could process my visa for thailand and US. I could take the 6 months course subject, the School of Cartooning and Animation for Missions - July 5 to December 17, in thailand that is inline with my course in UofN. Then take the School of Illustration in Kona on January 2011.

Not so bad. By that time I would have more confidence in the embassy and more stronger ties. Also I might get an online job during my 5 months training here in the Philippines, that could add to my schooling fees in the UofN.

Yet, if i were to choose. I'd rather study in Kona right now. But if God wants me to be somewhere else as of now, I will yield unto His Words. :) It's funny. On my first subject course in UofN, the School of Digital Communications, I also didn't get to go in on my first application. On the second time around I got in. Don't know if it's the same with the School of Illustration. But one thing is for sure, God has a plan for me :)

Day 2 - Dec 4 AM

+ My dad called Kona ( he got this free skype calls to US ).

• Got to talk to the person in charge for international students. She said the only way is to re apply for visa again. This time with stronger economic ties.
• Found out that their internet was down. ( No wonder I didn't get any replies from my emails. )
• Got to talk to the school leader of School of Illustrations. She said that I could try a tourist visa but the person in charge for international students said that it isn't a good idea.
• Only way is to re apply for a student's visa.
• Got devastated.
• But remembered that God is in control. :)
• Finally let go of me finding out a way, surrendered it all to God and wait for Him to move. :)
• Still not giving up in my heart. I know God called me and I will hang unto that until God says it's time to give up. :)

Things I appreciated :

When I spoke to my School leader in the School of Illustration, I was encouraged by her. Hearing the voice of my school leader gave me so much hope and more motivation. What I appreciate the most about her is, she's not giving up on me as well. :) She said she will continue to pray for me and I will hang unto that. I know that I will meet her soon.

I spoke to God, asked Him what was this all about. Should I give up or what. All i had from God was peaceful joy. :) He feels so near. I just felt inside of me that I shouldn't give up just yet. I felt inside of me that someone was saying "Just wait, surrender it all to me". So I did. I didn't want to cause stress for my parents anymore, so i told them to relax, we did what we can, now let's wait on God.

I know God loves me and i know that He knows that I will follow whatever He wants me to do. If He wants me to give up Kona, I will. But right now I don't hear anything like that with God. I know that He will speak to me if I have to give up, I know He will show me a new path. But right now I have nothing but my faith in what God would do. There's so much hope in me. I trust God. He is in control. :)

Day 1 - Dec 3

+ Today I've decided to blog my journey

• To see the movement of God :) To see how He will turn this devastation into pure joy. For me to remember what God has done in my life. :)
• To be able to share a testimony after this 35-day Journey of a woman who knew that God is in control!
• To remind me that God's ways are indeed the best.

+ I scheduled my day

• Got to draw a very nice anime art! Haven't done that for four months already. :3 Might upload it here once I have finished coloring.
• A very productive day. Still fought with depression, but was okay in the end. :)
• Got inspired to draw more. Obeyed my parents with no delay. :) Was talking with God.
• Emailed Kona, School leader and international services in my school of illustration.
• Called my school leader here in the philippines.
• Blogged my visa denial experience Denied with a Purpose
• A very peaceful day :)

Introduction

Dec 1, 2009.

+My interview for Kona, for my school of illustration, was denied.

+Got devastated, depressed, empty, lost, confused.

+Isolated myself for a day.

+Flooded myself with tears

+Prayed... and prayed... and prayed...

Dec 2, 2009.

+Fought with my emotions, accepted encouragement and sympathy.

+Still depressed but much better.

+Decided to not give up.

+Hope and faith reigned in me.

+Passion for my art got better.